When all you want seems out of reach

It was Day 4, the last day of the 1st Annual Polyvagal Conference in Jacksonville, FL.

I texted my team and said:

“Imagine Tom Hanks in Castaway coming back and being around people after being alone for so long. I feel so much clearer in some ways, and so much more foggy in others. I may need to talk with you as my ‘Wilson’ to get clarity again. It’s not competitive here - it’s so supportive… and that feels dysregulating. It’s not bad - just a lot.”

I was tired and my body was taxed from continual social stimulation after years of being somewhat isolated. It was what I had craved for - to connect to my community of professionals in the Polyvagal Community - and yet, I was teetering on the edge of depleted. I was entering a state of Dysregulation*

*Remember from a previous RAD, a Brain responding to a dysregulated Nervous System will not have full access to the Prefrontal Cortex (which is where our Reason-Ability comes from), so most likely all thoughts that show up will be a little (or a lot) to the side of accurate.

Before you read the next thoughts that showed up for me in this moment here is an important thing to remember:

In this state of dysregulation, my cutie patootie brain begins running on outdated information filtered through trauma patterns I developed to keep me safe in an unsafe moment.

So here comes some old beliefs up into my precious dysregulated brain:

“You are never going to be as successful as the people here. Look at them

Everyone is so far ahead of you - just give up.

You don’t know what you’re talking about, why are you even here?

Who do you think you are calling yourself THE Polyvagal Coach?”

So Now What?

This is where learning the skill of The Maintenance of Being Human comes in to play. As I continue to learn How to care for Myself in times of dysregulation, I am less and less caught to the dysregulation itself. Because… Guess What? I Know the Not a Secret-Secret:

Dysregulation Happens.

And I am familiar with HOW I experience a dysregulated state. This is not a flex… It’s just a skill developed from years of applying the things we talk about here in the RAD (and for those of you who are my clients - in session). And, honestly, my wish is to keep putting this into action continuously.

Yep. Continuously. Because when it comes to Being Human - there is no Mastery - we aren’t intended to become “Masters” of Being Human. We are intended to learn how to Interact with our Human-ness.

Sometimes, I’ll have a client ask me: “When am I done with this noticing thing?”

And

This is when I say: “Good news/Bad news is… well… Never. As a Human with breath in your lungs - there is no “done”.

This can be super frustrating to hear when there is a part of me that just wants the hard to be over. The yucky slimy mire to be cleared and I want to feel better now. When I haven’t learned yet that Discomfort doesn’t mean Danger.

To this part of me - this is definitely “Bad News”.

To another part of me - perhaps the part I am learning to nurture and develop Right Here in This Moment - well… to that part, this is really “Good News”.

• This is the part that is excited about learning, the part of me that experiences support that is actually Here ready and available no matter what I am going through.

• This part of me Knows that when I hear my brain react to dysregulation by saying things like: “Just give up”, what it’s really telling me is: “I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I don’t know how to feel safe right now.”

• This part Understands that it is ok and natural to have a reaction in certain situations and does not take those reactions personally.

This part of me Remembers to:

Pause

Notice The Body Breathing

Or

Notice the Room I Am In

Take 1 Tiny Baby Action Step Towards my Goal

Rest and Coregulate & Self-Regulate

Start Again

So on that day… On Day 4 of the Polyvagal Conference… I stood there full of appreciation for my body’s remarkable ability to navigate stress… full of old beliefs showing up… And I took those 5 Steps listed above. I gave my seat mates hugs and wished them well. And I went up to my room and rested.

And… you know what? I needed more time than I could have anticipated to rest.

Which is why, Dear One, I am releasing the October (and November) RAD in December.

I do wish that I didn’t need as much time as I did - of course I do, duh - I take my work seriously and I value You.

And

I have made a promise to all of my clients, to all of you - my family, friends and community and to Myself. I have made the promise that I will not offer something that will cause harm. Which means… sometimes my ego is refined along the way in this gift of Being Human.

Sending you a great big regulated, rested and belated hug.

Your Coach,

Alecia

*My oldest favorite book is: Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams. The cover to the book has in large friendly letters on the cover “Don’t Panic!” -which has been a source of perspective and humor for me since reading it at the age of 16.

Practical Application:

This month, let’s look at what happens for your own Body & Mind when the nervous system is in a dysregulated state and then make 1 baby step towards a goal you have in mind.

“The nervous system is the foundation for all of your lived experience. It’s where everything begins in your mind/body system. We think that the brain is running the show, but in fact it’s beneath the level of the brain, it’s inside your body, it’s in these pathways that help us connect, it helps us to mobilize into fight/flight and that helps us move into disappearance. All of those things are built into our human body for very good reason…. The nervous system is a common denominator - we all have one.”

-Deb Dana from the podcast Sounds True: Insights at the Edge July 2020

Getting familiar with your own nervous system and how it works in the process of dysregulation is vital in coming to have more ownership and choice in challenging times.

Exercise: Playing with Goals and Self-Understanding

1. Think of something you would like to accomplish. Bring to mind a little goal you’d like to accomplish or something you wish to experience.

2. PAUSE

3. Notice what thoughts show up once you set the goal/wish.

   Notice what body sensations you experience.

   Notice if there are any emotions also.

4. PAUSE

5. Place your hand on your belly or chest (or not) and notice the Body IS Breathing for 3 natural breaths (whatever the speed or depth of the breath is ok!)

   OR

   Wiggle your toes purposefully up and down in your shoes or socks or slippers or bare feet. Up/Down/Up/Down/Up/Down.

   OR

   Connect to a person, item or place that will remind you: I Am Safe.

6. Ask yourself: What small thing am I able to do in This Moment that will bring me 1 step closer to my goal/wish?

7. Do that 1 small thing.

8. Celebrate! (cause you are amazing and super brave)

Pro-Tip: For Step 1 it is better to start with an itty bitty almost silly goal. Remember our ultimate desire in this month’s Practical Application is to get to know HOW dysregulation shows up for you and then to apply steps to Coregulate or Self-Regulate. You can increase the size of the goal incrementally. At first, the skill is learning to listen!

Dear One,

The first video is a brief exercise in working with negative self-talk. Seriously, it’s brief less than 2 minutes!

The second video shares a great metaphor in working with that lovely inner voice that begins speaking in dysregulation.

I hope you watch and enjoy both of these videos! Dr. Russ Harris is an inspiration in speaking on these big topics with informed humor - as most of you know this is my favorite kind of support ;-)

SERIES: I am Not a Scientist - But I’m Learning Science Things

So There’s Information Inside & Outside of Me - But How Does That Help?

* LEARNING BONUS *

Click the links below to read a more in-depth article on Exteroception:

MONTHLY FEATURE

GRATITUDE HIGHLIGHT OF THE MONTH:

Thank you…

Seth

Ahhh my friend.

Thank you for teaching me how to feel big feelings with another person in a safe way. For matching my intensity outside of the Mt Airy house in one of our many moments when two super feelers meet in a sensory overload.

You hold a special place in my heart for the “interchange of encouragement” you offer freely - not only over these past 20+ years, but especially during 2020 when I wasn’t sure what was up or down - You sent so many videos reminding me to laugh and telling me how much faith you had that I would make it through. What an invaluable support this perspective is - remembering not to take myself so seriously.

Thank you for being “a brother born in times of distress “- I Know you are a blessing into forever.

Alecia